Calling Men

One of the great benefits of being gay—other than the usual perks of knowing how to groom, dress, swagger and run for a Republican senatorial position—comes the beautiful relationships us homos have with our sisters-in-awe: the ability to bitch over men. It is a wonderfully cathartic exercise and I urge every girl to adopt her very own must-have accessory for every season: a gay. Thankfully, if you are a woman reading this, you have at least 3-4 good gays in your life (one for every pair of good shoes), so it is not you I am addressing. Rather, it is those straight men out there who wonder what it is that makes our relationship with you so special.

In addition, here is why:
• Most important of all, who do you think teaches her all those tricks in bed? Now, really think about it. Do you honestly think she was born with an innate understanding of when to take off her rings? How to do “that” trick? How to assist you? As the old saying goes, “bro, please.”
• We know everything about her. Everything fun, at least. We probably know more about her than some of her best girlfriends, and it makes sense: there is never any competition over guys; we could never date each other’s ex (or at least nothing she needs to know about). There is never any doubt about who is hotter (in a concentrated effort to keep world peace, we usually concede the hotness to her); and we cannot share the bathroom. This means that we have never had to share a stall, hear her pee, smell her poop nuggets as they plop in the water, or watch her pop a zit, all of which could be potentially hazardous to our friendship. As far as we are concerned, she has no bodily functions.
• We have an innate ability to translate “girlinguistics” into “menrisms”. Example: We know that when she tells you “I feel fat”, what she means is “you better put up with my thunder thighs because I sure as hell am getting tired of having your fat gut push me out of bed each morning”. It is true and methodically established.

therefore, I am call an calling man on my straight male brethren to wake up as well as learn from us gay call men in the hope that you too begin making an effort to own. Your bevy of 3-4 good gays (one for every pair of good shoes she left in your house as her way of staking claim to your ass.)